I cannot overstate how inferior English majors are or how much I hate their loathesome and laughably inferior selves.
But they are getting their revenge. And in a way most of you have no clue about.
Normally and in the past English majors got their revenge upon society by torturing young children in the public schools. Completely unemployable and worthless elsewhere, America's English majors taught "English" to 100% conversant and fluent English speaking kids. Having no real value they focused on technicalities like the difference between adverbs and adjectives (I, as a professional author, still don't know the difference) and would likely masturbate themselves as they awarded C's and D's to young 10 year old children who were smarter and superior to them but still couldn't identify "dangling participles" or other truly irrelevant and pointless shit nobody ever cared about. Most of these teachers were females and spinsters because to be something of worth in society takes effort, and ergo it's no shock the majority of English teachers were fat, bloated, middled aged women because to be comely and attractive takes effort. But still, they got their retaliatory pound of flesh by essentially abusing the children of those who managed to breed, grating their skin over the pointless minutiae of the rules of English.
It wasn't fair, but these (predominantly) women ended up paying for their laziness and sloth. They were fat. They were miserable. No man loved them. No man wanted them. All students hated them. And truly, what society appreciates a nag, constantly pointing out your technical incorrectnesses? These women died lonely, alone, and unloved, and I cannot think of a better prison sentence than that. But do not think just because the last baby boomer English teacher spinster may be breathing her last breath at an unvisited government funded nursing home that the scourge of English majors has left us. They are coming back in force. And in an area you, I, and everybody else never asked for.
I was first tipped off to the return of the English majors when nearly every book I wrote was flagged as having "errors" when KDP (aka "Kindle") was merged with Createspace (AKA "Amazon"). Never mind some of these books have been published for over a decade. Thoroughly and adequately gone over by my wonderful staff of editors and friends. And never mind nobody who purchased the books had an actual complaint. No, some nitwit got a burr in their saddle and decided to go over ALL of my books and point out, via constant e-mail reminder, that there was a missing word, a missing comma, an errant "the" in my books. And so I had to waste precious amounts of my time going online and correcting these minor typos that nobody ever complained about except Amazon.
But then it dawned on me. It wasn't Amazon per se. It certainly wasn't my readers. But the anal retentive details, the complaining and nagging had the distinct genetic mark of my most loathed and detested enemy - english teachers. It hasn't been for 30 years I got so much lecturing, nagging, and sermoning that it dawned on me a horrific reality that Amazon is hiring English majors to go over every nook and cranny, every sentence and word, every punctuation mark and hyphen of my decade-and-change worth of literary work all to catch a mere fucking typo. And this, sadly, is an English major's wet dream come true.
Because if every book I've ever written is now getting the 3rd degree, where will it end? It's already well known that social media companies like Facebook and YouTube use "censors" to edit and audit nearly ALL social media posts (which I think is a pointless endeavor). Amazon is obviously hiring people to go over every word I've published with a fine comb. But my main concern is the caliber and type of people who they're employing and I'm afraid I have my answer. Because it isn't cool libertarian economics majors letting authors be to write what they want when they want. It isn't engineering majors who don't care about the details as long as the logic, message, and purpose of the book is right. It's the worst, most vile, most evil, and tyrannical group of anti-thinking people you could even put in charge of a Department of Censorship
And heaven help us.
Much as I appreciate Twitter, Facebook, YouTube and other social media giants being private companies, I also am aware of the damaging effects of monopolies. And while I'm quite libertarian in allowing them to ban, prohibited or do pretty much whatever they want with their platforms, the concept of employing CENSORS is appalling and I think gives right to the government to break them up. But when you make those censors NOT freedom-loving-libertarians who value disagreement over accord, who are usually prone to letting people say what they want to say, but put the veritable antithesis of "social-nazis" in the form of English Majors as your censors, then go straight to hell. Because that is where your platform and company are going - straight to hell.
I would have liked to have seen nearly all English majors get what they deserve - unemployment. Miserable unemployment while working at a cafe or bar. Egomanics who are lazy on top of it deserve no better. But now there is an entire industry that will gainfully employ English majors and that is the social media "Censor Industry." The modern day STASI. The modern day Gestapo. You have a bunch of lazy ego maniacs who are now going to burden the rest of us productive adults, who are trying to convey concepts, ideas, thoughts, and visions, with their pointless technical knowledge of linguistic law. Us real adults who are producing real thoughts and production now have to be burdened and bothered with our adjectives, adverbs, dangling participles and "wrong-think." And what was once the truly great and truly open environment of the internet, self-publishing, authoring, and social media NOW we have to contend with a gestapo agent in our midst lest we have a minor typo in our book or speak something that is wrong-think and caused some precious snowflake to be "offended."
I hated my English teachers before in my K-12 education. They were truly evil women whose evil was only outdone by their worthlessness. I'm glad most of them are dead and I'm glad most of them were never happy. But you fucking English majoring nazis who are nothing more than modern day STASI are not only worthless, but evil on a whole new level. At best you put your English-majoring-egos ahead of ideas and value nitpicking irrelevant typos in true genuises' works. At worst you're anti-free speech nazis who comb over people's posts and comments on social media, eliminating them because you lack the intelligence to merely disagree with another person's opinion. In the end though that's all you'll ever be - English majors.
Worthless, lazy, pieces of shit who could never write a book, never come up with an original idea, and can only get off by pointing out the irrelevant mistakes of others.
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Editor's note: This article was originally published at Captain Capitalism and has been rerun with permission.